So often, when a couple or an individual comes for Marriage Counseling because their marriage is in trouble, is ending, or has ended, when they look back, they acknowledge that one of the early signs that something was wrong and that they should have sought Couples Counseling sooner, was that they had seen a dramatic change, decline, or end in sexual intimacy.
Perhaps an awkwardness, or resistance came with any attempt to talk about this struggle, leading to more awkwardness, and eventually, the increased tendency to procrastinate about finding a Marriage Therapist. “I’m so mad at you for what you did”, “I’m overwhelmed and have no energy because of the pressure at work”, “You should take more interest in your appearance”, and “I don’t like you demanding sex”, are among the string of common explanations given to justify the lack of interest in sexual intimacy, and to procrastinate about pursuing Marriage Counseling.
This leaves their partner feeling guilty, rejected, ashamed, and confused by the situation, and their emotions and thoughts, and trying to understand what is really wrong. They are torn between the hope that things will get better soon, the belief that this is just a short-term problem, and the gut feeling that something deeper is at the root of these issues, and the intense need for intervention and Marriage Therapy.
And as they procrastinate, the procrastination about taking action to address their marriage struggles falls in line with the all the other things in life we have become accustomed to procrastinating about: cleaning out the junk, organizing paperwork, going to the doctor, exercising, making a budget, housework, that hobby you’ve bought the supplies for and sitting in the closet for the last two years, and on and on. We have all become accustomed to procrastinating about just about anything. Check out this 1-minute video link that shows that we are not alone in this boat:
Perhaps your dilemma has been causing increased stress or even physical symptoms, including headaches, ruminations, depression, or trouble sleeping. Or maybe you’ve chosen to accept the status quo, justifying your thinking that this might be normal for a couple who has been married as long as you have, or that it is normal for sexual intimacy to decrease or change in certain ways. Hope that things will eventually improve can become a holding onto threads such as “After all, we still . . . “
But remember, the desire for exclusive sexual intimacy with your partner is a major reason for your decision to get married or be in your particular relationship. So, why would you equate your basic commitment to each other for sexual intimacy with your other mundane procrastinations? Fear of failure? Need for assertiveness? Lack of communication skills with your partner?
Whatever the reasoning, we encourage you to not let this interfere with your pursuit of Marriage or Couples Counseling to guide you through your struggles. Why waste another year, month, or even one more day not pursuing healing, and the hope of enjoying the fullness of your relationship?